Ball 4 performers
Teacher: OK any questions about the end of year ball. Yes?
Kid 1: Is there any sort of dress code or theme?
Teacher: Yes. What ever colour you father’s hair is, that’s the colour of your outfit
Kid 1: Im going tot wear that brilliant red dress
Kid 2: Yes! Im wearing black this year
Kid 3; (Slow realisation) I’m going to have to go naked …. My dads bald!
Pretzels3 performers
Bar tender: Hello sir?Madam, here’s your drink and here’s some pretzels.
Customer: Thanks. (starts eating the pretzels)
Off stage voice: Psst. Nice pants !
Customer: did you say something ?
bar tender: No
Customer: Hmm I must be hearing things….
Off stage voice: Psst hey nice shirt!
Customer: You said something, didn't you?
Bar tender: No I don’t what are you talking about?
Off stage voice: Nice hair cut!
Customer All right, that's it!. Someone keeps saying things like, 'Nice hair,’ nice pants” and I *know* I'm not going crazy!
bartender: I know what that is! It's the pretzels! They're complimentary!
Did you poo your pants
A: Did you poo your pants.
B No
A: Are you sure you didn’t poo your pants
B: I’m sure.
A: ( checks his bottom.) You did You posed your pants.
B: No I didn’t my pants were dirty so I had to borrow your pants!
Camouflage
Customer: Hello, I was wondering if you have any camouflage trousers
Shop assistant: Ooooo Well yes and no. They are hard to find.
Customer: Yes and no what do you mean.
Customer: Some times we stock them but they are very hard to find.
6 and 7 Eighths
Lady: Hello little girl and what’s your name
Little girl: My name is 6 and 7 eighths
Lady: My that’s a strange name. Is there a story about why your parents gave you that name?
Little girl: No they just picked it out of a hat!
Hat ( you could have multiple kids stuck in hats)
Mum: Hey nice hat!
Kid: Only thing is its really hard to get off.
Mum: Oh come here lets have a look.( both struggle with hat ) O dear it is hard to get off!
Kid: Mum that spray can on the table, that’s hairspray right.
Mum: that spray can on the table, no that’s not hairspray, that’s glue…
Hair dresser.
Barber: Hello, Welcome to dependable hair dressers where we pride ourselves on consistent service.
Customer: Hello.
Barber: Take a seat. What will it be today?
Customer. Well I guess …. pretty much bald in some patches, too long in others, maybe if you could cut my scalp a couple of times , nick the ear, I’m thinking the kind of hair cut that your mum gives you when all she has is kitchen scissors.
Barber says, Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that.
Customer: That’s how you cut it last time.
Kiwi fruit
Teenager: Mum what can i have for a snack?
Mum: Well theirs Kiwi fruit.
Teenager: Kiwi fruit!
Mum: yes it has more vitamin C than an orange.
Teenager; Yeh more vitamin C than an orange and more hair than Dad.
Jumper
(Tv Commercial for jumpers)
Mum : Put your jumper on.
Kid: Ohhh do I have to ?
Mum : Yes you have to
Kid: Why?
Mum: I’m a bit chilly
Kid: Ohhh
Voice over : Jumper: Something a kid has to wear when it’s mother is a bit chilly.
Hair loss 1.
Chemist: Well come to discount chemists how can i help you.
Man: My hair is falling out. It’s all over my bedroom floor what can i do. ?
Chemist: You're hair is falling out! That’s terribald!!
Man: Yeh it is.
Chemist: Don’t worry I think i have a product that can help. I’ll see what i have out back.
Man: (waits impatiently )
Chemist: Here you go. (gives the man a vacuum cleaner.)
Beauty Pageant
Presenter: Welcome to the 2016 Beauty pageant.
We have some lovely contestants. Lets say hello to our first contestant isn't she amazing. and look at that lovely blond hair
Blond: Why thank you …It’s natural.
Presenter: And our next contestant, a brunette this time, stunning… and again amazing dark brown hair…
Brunette: Yes thank you i can also say …. its natural.
Presenter : and finally …… er well this is unusual we have a contestant with funky green hair.
Green haired contestant: (rubbing nose and snot into hair) It’s natural.
Compare, blond and brunette: No it’s not
Green haired contestant.: No its snot.
Aligator Shoes
A: Nice shoes
B: I really wanted alligator shoes but they were so expensive.
A: Yes too expensive.
B: I thought I’d go and get some my self so I went out bush and killed a few alligators
A: You killed innocent animals!?
B: I really wanted the shoes
A: How did you go?
B: Well i killed a few alligators ……but none of them we wearing shoes
Kid walks in wearing holding a hat. 1
“I just got a new hat for my wife/ husband…best trade I ever made!
(puts hat on head)
Kid walks on with hat
“Who wears the biggest hat in the army? The one with the biggest head.”
marches off “ Hup 2,3,4
Did you poo your pants
A: Did you poo your pants.
B No
A: Are you sure you didn’t poo your pants
B: I’m sure.
A: ( checks his bottom.) You did You posed your pants.
B: No I didn’t my pants were dirty so I had to borrow your pants!
David Jones
person 1: Hi, John. Nice shirt, where did you get it?
Person :2Thanks, I got it from David Jones.
(repeat for each person walking by using shirt, hat, pants, shoes, belt, ...)
Finally, a last performer walks by with a towel wrapped around his waist (with shorts underneath) and no shirt or shoes or socks.
Scout #1: Hey, who are you?
Last scout: I’m David Jones!!!!!
Shower
A: My dad gets in the shower and never gets his hair wet.
B: How does he do that.
A: He’s bald.
Teasing it
A: Wo! your hair is wild!
B: Yeh its really angry with me.
A: Your hair’s angry with you? Why?
B: Because I’mwas always teasing it.
Extras:
make up
A: Do I have too much make up on?
B: Well, that depends
A: Depends on what ?
B: On whether you are trying to kill batman.
What did the hat say to the tie?
"You hang around here...I'll go on a head.
A friend always wears a nun’s outfit and hat when he’s out. It’s just a habit that he has.